Happy Birthday Cinderella
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear self, Happy Birthday to me...
My mom called me five times at the office today to annoy me with some administrative issues. She forgot though to wish me a happy birthday. Why blame her, she is caught by amnesia, neither the date, nor the year of birth of her twin daughters is of importance to her. But how could a mother forget the date of her giving birth to a pair of twins? Strange. Luckily I have my twin sister. For the past thirty-something years, she has been the first person to wish me a happy birthday. Of course, she is my twin, so how could she forget to wish herself (hence to me) a happy birthday, you would say. Funnily, she wasn't the first this year. A strange feeling... She was beaten by a few minutes by a colleague of mine, who even had the sweetest thought of organizing a little champagne party. Thank you dear colleague. And happy birthday, sis'.Labels: As the years go by..., Mommy dearest
Thanks to you mom, I was a good catholic for three months
After 81 days of cohabiting with my dearest mother in my tiny one-bedroom, she has left the premises and released me from 24/7 filial obligations. Finally a sweet taste of freedom.... and it tastes so good...! Now that I can reflect on the past three months, what have I endured?
1. Having to cope with home cooking and drinking wine every night with my mom; hence, gaining so many kilos;
2. Having to cope with my Mom every morning at 6 a.m. while she commands me to wear descent clothes (i.e., I am really not into fashion); I can still hear her yelling:
Mom: Is that what you are going to wear today?
Me: yeah.. why, what's wrong?
Mom: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Me: Nope... why?
Mom: Look at yourself, what will your colleagues say about you?
Me: I'm secluded in my office, mom.
Mom: What will your male colleagues say?
Me: They don't f&%%#g care, they have better things to do than checking me out, mother.
Mom: What will your boss say?
Me: .... .... My boss doesn't even know I exist, mom!!!
Mom: Look at yourself. That's why you are still single at your age.
Me: Ma, do you really think a guy is interested in a thirty-something bag who's living with her mom?
Mom: How dare you talk to me like that, you are the fruit of my womb, I cherished you!
Me: God, now you are a catholic.
Mom: How dare you invoke the name of the Lord.
Me: Ma, you are not even a catholic. Forget it. Doesn't work with me.
3. Having to cope with my mom every Sunday morning because I am not wearing my Sunday-best for mass.
4. Getting into a 10 minute argument with my mom every night because she doesn't let me watch "Temptation Island" or some other uncivilized reality TV shows.
5. Having to listen to classical music all weekend.
6. 81 days of backache for having slept in a baby-sized bed.
7. 81 nights of mosquitoe bites because I was sleeping in the living room which faces a garden with trees.
8. Not being able to commit any venial sins. Well, is it good or bad?
And now.., what will I miss?
1. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Okay, well... her presence, I guess.
Thanks for having been around, Mom.
Labels: Mommy dearest, Self derision
Living in Sin with ... my Mother
I've been absent from blogging for quite some time, almost a month now; not because I was busy with work, but simply because my mom has finally arrived, as planned, crossed miles of water, (e.g., the Pacific Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the Red Sea and the Mediterranean Sea) eager as ever to see me and totally excited to make as hers my one-bedroom apartment.
She has taken possession of my bedroom, not to say my life, leaving me to sleep in an extremely uncomfortable single-sized bed in the living room. I love my mom, God forbid, but since her constant presence in my apartment, my life has changed ... for the worst. I've been deprived of my independence, my privacy and my intimacy that I so cherish. My libido has gone down the sliding scale, of course. How could I tell my mother: "by the way mom, could you please ran some errands and make sure to knock on the door when you come back because I'd like to #$$#@&& my boyfriend?" Not that I have a boyfriend or have any opportunity of a one-night stand anyway, so why should I care after all?
Although she had initially planned to stay until end of July ONLY, she announced yesterday like a flamboyant diva that since she "soooo much adored being with her daughter and making her boring life's daughter more exciting" that she had decided to move out at the END of AUGUST only. What the ....!!! Two more months of her presence, that is... well I hope not any longer. The good side of her being around 24/7 is that I have a good "catholic" life: no partying, no temptation but home cooking every night and drinking wine with my mom. To summarize: nice but sooo boring, even to me. I can't wait for the Fall to come.
Labels: Mommy dearest, Self derision
What Will I Do Without Her # 3
My mom called me to say that she quit her job, understandably so since she hates her job and has far reached the age of retirement. Go for it, enjoy life, paint, practice yoga, I'm totally supportive of the idea I told her, until she announced, out of the blue -as always- that she was moving to ... Paris, the city where I live now. What the ....!!! Silent panic attack on the phone. My face yelling of hysteria but my voice remained mute. A breathless silence... "Where are you going to stay, well... live?" I broke the silence, finally. "Guess where?" she says, "with you!" (What? with me, in my small one-bedroom apartment? 24/7?!! ) She carries on: "Oh wouldn't that be great, I will cook for you, I will iron your shirts (Mother, I pay a housekeeper for that), oh well, it's all temporary, 3 months until my Parisian apartment is refurbished." (What did I do to deserve this??) I know I've only got one mother, don't get me wrong, I love her but I love myself more and cherish my own privacy. With her, I have no personal life. It's a complete devotion to Mother Icon from morning to night. She continues talking: "Well, I guess you won't be able to invite your friends over at your place for 3 months but you'll see, it will pass so quickly." (No mother, 3 months with you means a non-stop continued presence of yours for a quarter of a year. By the time you finally move out of my apartment, the leaves of the trees will turn red.)
No, I am not a disgraceful daughter. Seriously, will you be able to live with your mother for 3 months in a one-bedroom apartment after having enjoyed life as a single person for the past 15 years? I need a strong coffee to deliver myself from this nightmare. No, a strong drink.Labels: Mommy dearest, Self derision
What Will I Do Without Her #2
My mom thinks I'm a catholic freak. She's quite certain that I'm going to end up a contemplative nun with a VJ disease for lack of use. She gave me a rosary bracelet for X'mas and suggested I had it blessed by the Priest. Mother, are you losing it? Well, she obviously doesn't know I can't say the "Apostles' Creed." I barely know "Our Father." I don't genuflect nor do I make the sign of the cross with holy water when I enter a holy church. Alternatively and on good days, she thinks I'm going to end up in a mental home as an alcoholic. If I were to choose between being a nun and an alcoholic, I think I'd choose the former. I've always thought how cool it would be to be a contemplative nun. All they do is pray, cook, eat and smile. They don't have to take care of their looks, they don't need to wax, they don't really have to work, they basically don't have to worry about anything important, and they are married to a guy who loves them with an unconditional love and who doesn't demand much, just a little bit of attention. I was thinking about it today on my way back from work. A tempting thought ... and somehow without realizing it, I entered a liquor store and purchased a bottle of Absolut Vodka and a Martini Extra Dry. Went home, fixed myself a martini, slightly dirty, mmmm... not bad at all... had another glass, until I realized I was getting pissed while reading the Gospel of John. Mom, you are right, I am a freaky catholic alcoholic.Labels: Mommy dearest, Self derision, Wash away my sins...
What Will I Do Without Her # 1
My mom calls me approximately 10 times a day (while I'm in the middle of something super urgent at work), not including the morning wake-up calls at 6 a.m. and late-night calls at midnight. My mom doesn't live in my time zone. She lives in +7 GMT. Do the math. If she calls me 10 times during my office-hours in addition to my wake-up call and at midnight, that means she never sleeps. She never sleeps because she can't sleep. She can't sleep because of me. I'm her source of constant worry, nightmare, sorrow, cause of inexistent cancer and other many imaginary pathologies.She called me (again) this morning at 6 a.m. while I was sleeping. Me: ugh... hullo...?Mother: Am I waking you up?Me: ... no...Mother: Well you sound like you've just woken up. Don't you think it's time to go to work?Me: It's 6 a.m. and it's SATURDAY.Mother: Do you know how old you are?Me: .... ????!!! (What's she talking about? It's ##%&# 6 in the morning I went to bed at 2 a.m. I'm exhausted!!)Mother: Do you realize that all your friends are all partners in firms and/or married with kids?What do you have? Nothing.Me: ... ... ...Mother: Are you listening to me?Me: uh... yes...Mother: So why don't you answer the question?Me: ... well, I don't have to answer to your question because you've answered it yourself.Mother: oh, you are playing it smart, how dare you!Me: ... ... ... Mother: You've got nothing in life. You don't even own an apartment. How old you think you are?Me: Well, I've got God.Mother: Pathetic. (She hangs up)Me: ugh... ... zzz ... zzz...Telephone rings again.Me: It's ##$@& # 6 a.m.!!!! Some people do work you know, I went to bed at 2 a.m. I need to sleep. Can't you understand???!!!??Mother: Why are you so aggressive every time I call you???!!! No wonder you are still single. (she hangs up, again)Me: (well, now that I'm up, I need a strong coffee without milk).Labels: Mommy dearest, Self derision
